In sophomore year of high school, my best friend moved to Hawaii and sent me a package with a book by Ken Carey. It was a channeled message, from a voice that instructed him to write.
After that, I spent a lot of time with my bedroom window open, even in the dead of winter, looking out into the night sky and opening myself to all that limitlessness. I knew that I too could listen.
I started to experience synchronicities, always being in the right place at the right time. And I just kept trusting. I call this grace.
Fast forward, and trust has held me through it all – after the death of my fiancé in college, traveling through Asia, giving birth to three daughters (two of them at home), a divorce at age 30, being a single mom, buying a house, running my business and most recently, becoming a grandmother.
But it was somewhere after my divorce that I started to realize: I was always looking for love, but making the same painful mistakes over and over and over.
I felt stuck most of the time. Why couldn’t I create the intimate partnership I wanted?
I knew something needed to shift on a fundamental level. I knew I needed more than just grace.
I began to expand my abilities to transform emotion into insight through somatic practice and a great amount of self - compassion.
Layer by layer, I felt into parts of myself that were unconsciously running the show - the rejected, the victim; how they grasped for love and then blamed others for not getting it.
Yet, it wasn’t til much later, that I suddenly saw how I kept choosing partners out of these patterns, not listening to the voice inside that said “not quite right.”
It was then and there that I took a vow of self-responsibility.
To only choose who and what was truly in alignment with me. I felt free.
I finally saw my true worth. I stopped looking for love, but felt the eternal embrace of Love all around me.
